Relationship Counseling
"It's not good enough to be right. You also have to be effective." -Neil deGrasse Tyson
Relationships have a huge influence on our wellbeing. They can bring us the most joy and fulfillment in life, and also the worst misery. In fact, one study found that relationships were the #1 factor in determining longevity - more than diet, exercise and smoking! When things are tense between you and someone you’re attached to, it can be hard to eat, sleep, or focus at work. Conflict elevates levels of stress hormones such as cortisol, wearing away at our immune systems and cardiovascular health. Lack of conflict isn’t always such a great thing, either; people who avoid conflict in relationships also sometimes end up avoiding truth and intimacy too. When I work with people in romantic relationships, I look for a sense of the gifts each individual brings to the relationship, and the magic of what is created between you. We work together to map the pattern of the cycle you wish to change, and in the process, we begin shifting the approach from blame and shame to compassion and curiosity. You and your loved one may gain insight into where some of these patterns are coming from, and see each other with renewed kindness. You will learn new tools to help you interrupt the pattern before it escalates, and more effectively ask for what you really need. In treating relationships I draw upon my training in family systems; interpersonal neurobiology, attachment and polyvagal theories; the works of John Gottman and Sue Johnson; and the core principles of Nonviolent Communication. I have a feminist orientation, which means I think critically about the roles of power dynamics, gender roles, racial and cultural identities, toxic masculinity, misogyny, and socioeconomic factors on people of all genders. It may be relevant for us to explore how these factors influence your relationships. It’s always okay to talk about sex in therapy. I work with people of all gender identities, sexual persuasions, and relationship structures. This includes people with sexual kinks, non-monogamous relationships, and other preferences that are often stigmatized. Please feel free to ask if you have any questions about this. Because I aim to use language that is as inclusive as possible, I refer to this as relationship counseling, not marital or couples counseling, because not all people in relationships are married, and not all partnerships are just between two people. Whether you identify as monogamous, ethically nonmonogamous, polyamorous, or a relationship anarchist; whether you have a main squeeze, a primary partner, or are non-hierarchical; belong to a couple, triad, polycule, family, platonic life partnership, or moresome; are in an open, closed, monogamish, or other formation; are single, engaged, married, divorced, widowed, co-parenting, cohabitating, or living alone; you have relationships that matter to you and impact you. I believe that all kinds of relationships, regardless of how they are structured, have equal potential to be healthy or unhealthy, to bring happiness or unhappiness into our lives, to fulfill our needs or conflict with our desires, to help us achieve our aspirations or to hold us back. I also believe that people in each camp can learn from each other. I also believe that not all relationships can or should be “saved.” If I, as your therapist, get the sense that it might be healthiest for partners to separate, I won’t pretend otherwise. I might suggest that I work with only one of you, and refer the other(s) to someone else. Sometimes coming to therapy is about finding the courage to let go and grieve, accept necessary changes, or set boundaries. Sometimes it’s also just not the time to work on the relationship. If one or more people in a relationship are struggling with an addiction, a severe mental illness, or abusive behavior, that issue needs to be dealt with separately before we can work together. If this sounds like a big let down, perhaps you might be in need of support with codependency. All that being said, when couples counseling is appropriate, a tremendous world of good can come from it. If you’d like to see how I can help you and your loved one(s).