Be kind to tomorrow

Make peace with your past, present, and future selves.

The path to success does not require that you try to be better than the person you were yesterday. It only asks that you try to be kind to the person you will be tomorrow.

Life never stops moving. We are always acting, even in inactive moments, whether of helpless paralysis or intentional rest.

And so we are always traveling in some direction or another. We can swim against the current or float with the flow, but even drifting plankton circle the globe.

We look for where our control lies, and what we should do with it. What to prioritize, what to let go. We are pulled this way and that by myriad needs, values, unconscious desires, fears, opportunities, distractions, habits, and twists of fate. It can be challenging to discern which of these are at play at any given moment, and how that should inform our choices.

Over time, we settle on some general orientation to life. Some people seek to optimize, others to suffice. Some generally aspire toward growth, often backed by a robust inner locus of control. Some would rather settle in to something more mundane, perhaps feeling at peace with this, perhaps stifled or trapped. The least ambitious risk entropy and atrophy. Most adults find that maintaining a copacetic homeostasis requires a moderate degree of effort just to keep things from falling apart.

What am I talking about here? Everything across life domains. Health. Money. Love. Meaning. Fulfillment. You name it, this applies.

On trying to be better than the person you were yesterday

The ambitious and aspirational harness their self-controlling superegos toward continuous self-improvement. Their strong inner critics, who love the word “should,” range from acting as constructive coaches to abusive dictators. Somewhere in-between these dispositions reigns the notion that “every day, you should try to be better than the person you were yesterday.”

I see the value in this, but it’s not my cup of tea.

Perhaps there are people with more competitive temperaments than I who must channel this energy somehow, and find that it is best applied to themselves. Sure, this attitude is far more productive than comparing oneself to others when it comes to most goals. Weight lifting is a great example. Compete with someone much stronger than yourself and you risk injury. But try to lift five pounds more this week than you did last, or do two more reps, and you will see encouraging results over time.

But I don’t like the idea of being better than yesterday for a few reasons.

For one, priorities shift. Just because I walked three miles yesterday doesn’t mean that walking three and a half today should be at the top of my list. Perhaps walking only two today leaves me time to tidy the kitchen and finish a blog post. Attaching oneself too rigidly to any one particular goal comes with its own set of problems. Psychological flexibility, remaining in touch with our instincts, adapting to the needs of the moment — these habits of mind are just as valuable to a healthy life as consistent goal-orientation.

Secondly, the better-than-yesterday sentiment doesn’t feel very kind. It carries a bit of a connotation that who you were yesterday wasn’t good enough, didn’t try hard enough, could have done better. What kind of relationship does this set up with one’s own self? It feels a bit harsh.

When we are too hard on ourselves, there will usually be some kind of backlash. Willpower gets depleted. The id gets tired of the superego and starts to fight back. One day, the morning self finds herself aghast at how late the evening self stayed up the night before, how many episodes she binged, how much ice cream she ate.

Furthermore, when we neglect the importance of cultivating kindness in our relationship with ourselves, we may not develop the ability to feel truly worthy of the good life we are ostensibly working so hard to create. This delays happiness, potentially indefinitely. Who gets to enjoy the fruits of our labor?

A false dichotomy is established between self-indulgence and austerity, with true kindness to be found in neither. The choices seem to be, buckle down or let loose. One makes for a healthier, wealthier self tomorrow, while the other leads to regret. The pendulum keeps swinging: binge one night, run faster the next day, ad infinitum.

But enough with deconstructing all that. On to the wise alternative. Again,

The path to success does not require that you try to be better than the person you were yesterday. It only asks that you try to be kind to the person you will be tomorrow.

Be kind to the person you will be tomorrow

Begin by asking yourself a simple question:

“What is one thing I could do today that Tomorrow Me will be grateful for?”

See what comes, and how that makes you feel. If you find this process enlivening, liberating, or clarifying, ask it again. Ask it as many times as you wish, until the list of answers starts to feel more like another overwhelming to-do list. Then stop. Peel back an item or two until you feel light and capable again. Tomorrow You won’t be a happier person if Today You gets overwhelmed and gives up.

If you notice yourself held back by a sense that you don’t deserve the good life that this logic would help you build, consider thinking of Tomorrow You as a separate person, then tell yourself:

“Just because I don’t think Today Me deserves a good life doesn’t mean it’s fair to take that out on Tomorrow Me.”

In fact, if you are not feeling particularly kindly toward yourself today, perhaps you can turn that to your advantage.

Aikido your superego. Instead of resisting the punches it throws, take the momentum in its blows, move with it, and use that energy to your advantage:

“Right now I don’t believe that I deserve a good life. I may even feel like I should be punished for how bad I have been. So I am going to punish Today Me by restricting self-indulgent rewards and instead doing things I don’t enjoy: the dishes, the bills, the workout. I am going to take those off of Tomorrow Me’s plate. I’m the one who deserves to deal with them, not her. She shouldn’t have to suffer the weight of those burdens that have been piling up because of Yesterday and Today Me.”

Hopefully you won’t have to resort to such a harsh attitude, but if it helps you shift from current habits of mind toward the new alternative, go with that.

When a new day arrives and Tomorrow You becomes Today You, it is important that Today You give thanks to Yesterday You.

“Thank you, Yesterday Me, for taking care of this. I know you didn’t feel like doing the dishes last night, but it’s really nice to wake up to a clean kitchen. I appreciate that you went out of your way to do something kind for me, to help me get my day off to a good start.”

Over time, you start to feel the benefits. Each day that you act with consideration for the day ahead, you make the next day a little brighter. You strengthen your relationship with your past and future selves. You start to trust, appreciate, and like yourself.

Self-kindness becomes rewarding over time. Here are some examples.

I have been practicing this attitude for some time. By no means consistently, or perfectly, but consistency and perfection are not topmost values for me, nor are they necessary for this to work.

This morning, I can thank Yesterday Me for leaving me a clean kitchen, a well-organized basket full of my favorite teas, and a fridge stocked with healthy, quick breakfast options.

I can thank her for properly tending the fire in the wood stove last night, so that I woke up to a warm living room and coals that could easily be rekindled.

I can thank her for going to bed at a decent hour, so that I woke up refreshed and ready to write.

I can thank her for exercising and stretching yesterday, so that I feel strong and limber today.

I can thank her for watering my plants earlier this week, so that they look happy and healthy as they surround me now.

I can also thank many of my previous selves for choices that helped create a good life today. I can thank her for making wise relationship decisions, so that I have a supportive partner who fills my life with joy and warmth. I can thank her for working hard and making wise financial decisions, so that I have the abundance and credit to invest in things that I enjoy and ventures I want to pursue. I can thank her for every healthy choice of food and movement that has not only kept my weight stable for the past several years, but also honed my appetite so that I generally only crave things that are good for me. I can thank her for building careers that are fulfilling, meaningful, lucrative, flexible, and well-suited for me.

Sure, there are many things I could regret. I’ve made plenty of impulsive decisions that negatively impacted my finances and relationships. But there is no use in fixating on that now.

I continue to struggle in some areas of life, such as pacing myself sustainably, using social media intentionally, and keeping up with clinical documentation (my least favorite task). But living by these principles can help me with those, too. My challenge today is to approach clinical documentation with Tomorrow Me in mind.

When I live with an attitude of kindness and consideration toward Tomorrow Me, my life improves each day. I am not better than who I was yesterday; I am grateful for her. Today, I thank Yesterday Me, and make sure that Tomorrow Me will be grateful for Today Me, too.

Let’s begin

What is one thing that Tomorrow You would appreciate you doing today?

Now, is there any legitimate reason you cannot do that?

If not, great; do it.

If so, ask yourself the question again as many times as you need, seeking smaller and smaller answers until you find one that you can do. Then do that. Trust that you can take on the bigger challenges over time, once you have built up your self-trust and strength from beginning this practice starting small today.

When you wake up tomorrow, be sure to thank Today You — who will then be Yesterday You — for what they have done for you.

Be at peace with yourself.