Today I want to talk about a concept I cover in the course called altercasting. This is an important concept to understand because it addresses one of the hidden elements of why certain communications either land or don’t land with your kid in high-stakes situations; once you understand it, it will have a big impact on how you communicate with your child, and potentially with anyone else in your life you care about and struggle with.
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Altercasting refers to the way that every communication implicitly assigns an identity to the person you’re talking to. You are not just delivering information or sharing your own feelings and opinions; you are also subconsciously casting the other person in a role. If they don’t like the role you’ve cast them in, they will reject your message no matter how accurate, well-intentioned, or important it might be. On the flip side, you’ll have a much easier time getting your message across if it’s packaged in such a way that it frames the other person in a manner compatible with how they want to be seen.
To show you what I mean, here’s a scenario that plays out frequently. A parent sees that their teenager is presenting herself online in a way that’s provocative, edgy, or vulnerable; perhaps she has an Instagram profile with a dark aesthetic, clothing choices sending signals the child doesn’t fully understand. Maybe she’s seventeen, about to turn eighteen, and posting pictures of herself in fishnets and goth makeup. The parent knows what kind of predators are out there, watching the clock until their daughter turns eighteen or ready to pounce sooner, so the parent says something like, “Honey, there are a lot of really bad guys out there just waiting for innocent young girls like you to turn eighteen. You have to be more careful.”
What the mother means by this is, “I love you. I’m terrified for your safety. I see dangers that you can’t see yet because you don’t have my life experience. Please trust me on this; I don’t want you to get hurt by some creep.” What the daughter hears, however, is, “You think I’m stupid. You think I’m a naive little kid who can’t take care of herself and doesn’t know what kind of dangers there are in the world. You think I would get taken advantage of by some scummy old guy. Ick. You think you need to control me to keep me safe.” The daughter’s response is therefore predictable. She might say, “I’m not an idiot, Mom. I’m not stupid. I’m not just going to go meet some random guy.” So the mother walks away frustrated, wondering why her daughter won’t listen. But the daughter didn’t reject the information; she rejected the role the mother cast her in. She rejected being cast as the helpless, naive victim who needs Mommy to protect her from the big, bad world, because that identity is intolerable to a teenager who is fighting with everything she has to feel competent, autonomous, and respected.
So every communication you plan to have with your child in a high-stakes situation, like with a trans identity on the line, needs to pass through the altercasting filter. That filter presents you with a question: “What role am I casting my child in, and will they accept that role?” If the role is naive child who needs to be educated, they will reject it. If the role is foolish person making dangerous choices, they will reject it. If the role is someone who would understand if only they had access to the right information but can’t because they’re brainwashed, they might reject that too, because the subtext is still that you don’t know enough; you’re naive, vulnerable, dependent, helpless; you’re still a little child, and I want to send you back into the womb.
This is one of the main reasons that in ROGD Repair I actually advise parents against sharing detransitioner content with trans-identified youth. Look at it through the altercasting filter. What is the main hope or expectation you hold when you fantasize that sharing detransitioner content will impact your child? Chances are, if you were to articulate it, it would be something like this: “If only my daughter would recognize how much she has in common with how this young woman was a few years ago. I want my daughter to see that she’s just like this girl who’s now admitting that she was foolish back then, that she made a mistake, that she didn’t know what she was doing, that now she has to live with all of this pain, remorse, and humiliation.” Really? That’s a tough sell; that’s a very tough sell. So it’s your hope as a parent, however unconscious and inarticulate, that is actually getting in the way of these detransitioner videos landing with your child. You are casting your child in the role of someone who has something in common with a person expressing regret and embarrassment about their past poor decisions.
This is why one of the main responses parents get when they do show their kids detransitioner videos is, “Well, that might be true for them, but it’s not true for me. I would never make that mistake. I’m going into this with eyes wide open. I’ve done my research.” Or, “They were never really trans.” Or, “Too bad for them.” There are all kinds of ways kids dismiss or rationalize, and what they’re doing is distancing themselves from the concept you’ve tried to get them to relate to. When you think about it from a psychological lens, it makes a lot of sense why these kids reject that messaging.
So how do you cast your child in a role they can actually accept? If the role is someone whose intelligence I respect, whose perspective I’m curious about, whose help I need in understanding something, now you might have a chance. This doesn’t need to be manipulative or fake; it can be an accurate framework. Your child is articulate. You are curious about their perspective. You do need their help navigating this new world of social media and online identity. When you frame it that way, you’re telling the truth; you’re just telling it in a way your child can hear.
An exercise I frequently guide parents through early in our work together, when I’m still forming a mental map of who their child and family are, is an altercasting exercise. I will sometimes have parents make a sort of Venn diagram. What are the qualities you see in your child, that they see in themselves, and that the two of you agree on? And these aren’t just qualities that are fully formed; I want you to think about seedling qualities, qualities that are just beginning to germinate. If you think about your child’s growing personality like a garden, it might have a lot of weeds in it and not too many well-established shrubs or thriving fruits and flowers. Their character development could currently appear rather problematic; maybe it’s a big old mess. What’s tempting in this situation is to attack the weeds, to go on a weed-pulling rampage, but this is likely to make your child feel like they are under attack. So what I want to bring your attention to are the seedlings, the tender flowers that have yet to bloom, the things you do want growing in that garden.
Your altercasting list isn’t just about who they are now; it’s about who they are becoming. The Venn diagram shows, on your side, the things you like about them that they don’t like about themselves, or the qualities you want to see grow that they don’t seem very motivated to grow themselves. On their side might be qualities they idealize that you don’t. For example, I’ve been hearing a lot lately about K-pop demon hunters; I have no idea what that is, all I know is a lot of my clients’ kids are into it, so if there’s something about that which functions as a role model for your kid, maybe it goes on their side. But in that area of overlap between what you would like to see in them and what they would like to see in themselves are probably things like intelligent, capable, resourceful, kind, thoughtful, creative, and fun. Whatever good qualities your child idealizes or responds well to having reflected back, those go in that overlap area, and this forms the core of your altercasting list: the qualities you bear in mind and run all your high-stakes communications through. When I approach my child in this way, am I framing them as someone with these qualities, or am I potentially framing them as someone with the trigger qualities? You might also keep an anti-altercasting list of the implicit messages your child tends to reject because they don’t like how you’re framing who they are.
Here’s what makes altercasting mistakes so costly: they don’t just fail in the moment, they raise the wall higher for next time. Every warning that backfires, every well-intentioned concern met with eye-rolling or narcissistic rage, teaches the child that when Mom or Dad talks about these topics, their job is to defend, deflect, and dismiss; that there’s something about the way you see them that is harmful and needs to be walled out. By the time you’ve had several such failed conversations, you’ve essentially trained your child to stop listening to you on these subjects, and the pattern becomes locked in. Mom warns, I push back, we go to our separate corners. Now even if you do find the perfect way to say something, you’re fighting against a deeply ingrained pattern built up through months or years of conditioned resistance. This is why it’s so important to get the framing right from the beginning, or, if the damage is already done, to break the pattern by approaching in a completely different way.
Another thing I can add to your altercasting toolkit is the use of self-deprecating humor and strategic naivete on your part as a parent. These are also lessons in ROGD Repair, but the concepts weave together nicely, because some of the time, if you put your child in the role of expert, you’re also putting yourself in the role of dummy in a playful way. It’s important to capitalize on any opportunity to let your child have more expertise than you in areas where they demonstrate competence, skill, or growing interest: letting them lecture you about their favorite topic, letting them show you a cooking technique they learned that you haven’t mastered, letting them give you feedback on where something should go in your home, or letting them influence a younger sibling in an area of skill or interest. The way you humble yourself in the process can be an important part of this as well.
Another concept from the course that weaves in here is the accusation audit. This is when you intentionally say what you think your child is going to criticize about you, not to provoke conflict, but to front-load bad news; in other words, “You’re going to think I’m such a terrible mom.” But there’s a fine line here. This must not come from a place of depressed, depleted narcissism. If you sometimes get into a woe-is-me victim mentality and allow your own depression to suck the energy out of the room, or if you tend to be passive-aggressive or to lay guilt trips, I would steer away from this; you need to work on your depression and self-esteem first, and not let it pull other people down. But if you’re someone who’s pretty resilient, for whom that’s not an issue, then strategically it can be wise in certain situations, especially when delivering hard news, to say, “You’re going to think I’m the worst mom.” Not in a way that sucks the oxygen out of the room, but in a way that puts them in a position where you’ve already absorbed the blows of the attack you’re anticipating, and where their next reaction could actually be to defend you or take your side: “You’re not that bad.” That’s exactly what you want them to do.
This is related to altercasting because it’s about the position you put them in. When you intentionally put yourself down in a careful way suited to the situation, telling them, “You’re not going to like me right now,” you put them in the position of being someone who can handle hard news, who is allowed to have their own opinions and feelings, and potentially, if they come to your rescue, of being the bigger person, the gracious one who says, “Oh, Mom, you’re not that bad. You’re a good enough parent.”
Another hard thing for parents to do is to analyze their child’s self-presentation, their Instagram profile, fashion choices, music, or friend group, without reacting to it directly. When you look at these behaviors and forms of presentation and you see darkness, provocation, or vulnerability, your instinct is to say something protective, to warn or correct. But everything you’ve learned about altercasting tells you that direct commentary on their self-presentation will be experienced as an attack on their identity. So what do you do instead? You use your analysis to inform your strategy, not your conversations. You understand what the child is communicating: I’m lonely, I’m insecure, I’m hungry for attention, I’m trying to seem tough because I feel weak. And you let that understanding shape how you relate to them. You don’t say, “Your Instagram is a cry for help,” or, “You’re dressing like you want predators to attack you.” You just know what they’re going through, and you let that knowledge make you more compassionate, more patient, and more strategic about when and how you plant seeds.
That knowledge also points to gaps and areas that need to be built up in their life, areas where they may need structure, skills, role models, or positive activities. A teenager who posts aggressive lyrics, wears provocative clothing, and projects a don’t-mess-with-me image is almost always communicating the opposite of what they appear to be saying. The message is not actually “I’m tough and dangerous”; it’s “I’m fragile, and I need someone to see through this mask.” Your job is to see through it and respond to the real person underneath, not the performance, yet without calling attention to how vulnerable they feel in a way that could make them feel more attacked or scrutinized, which adolescents and young adults are extremely sensitive to.
So to recap, here’s the underlying principle: people accept messages consistent with how they want to see themselves and reject messages that threaten their self-image. Your teenager likely wants to see herself as smart, independent, and in control, and you can make a list of other qualities she wants to see in herself based on your interactions and on reading between the lines. Frame your communications accordingly and you will be more likely to be heard; frame them as if she’s a helpless, naive child and you’ll be tuned out.
I’ll close with something a little off the cuff about why this matters to me. One of the vital signs I look for as I get to know a family, as I develop a mental map of a child through listening to their parents’ depictions, is how easy it is for me to feel fondness for this child, and how quickly and clearly my picture of the child comes together. That itself is something I learn from. To be honest, the prognosis isn’t great if I’ve been working with a family for several appointments and I still don’t have a clear sense of the individual I can connect to, or I don’t feel fondness for them. I know that might sound strange, especially to my gender-critical audience that isn’t a parent or psychotherapist; if you’re more on the fighting end of things than the loving end, it can feel strange to hear about the love I have for these people. But I really do feel a lot of love for both my clients and their children. I hold these kids in my heart, I pray for them, and I think about who they’re becoming, not just who they are today or who they were as children, which is often what their parents are busy holding onto.
Gender identity ideology gets in the way of people becoming who they really are; I firmly believe that, despite what all my haters might have to say in the comments. I know the narrative is the opposite, and it’s a seductive one. Who doesn’t love the idea of discovering something deep, meaningful, and unique about who you are and what your worth is in this world? Who doesn’t feel the pull of that? But all that glitters is not gold, and just because something claims a certain intention or outcome doesn’t mean that holds true. In order to become who we are, we have to accept the things we cannot change; as long as we’re fighting things we cannot change, we’re wasting energy meant for self-actualization. Once we stop fighting that aspect of reality, the real work can begin, the work of these individuals becoming who they are and sharing the beautiful gifts they’re here to share. However troublesome their current behavior, there are real virtues in each of these youth that are trying to pour forth, and it’s our job to figure out what support they need in order to become the best version of themselves.
This podcast episode doubles as an ROGD Repair bonus lesson. It can be found in the course here, along with homework questions to help you personalize the material. If you're a parent navigating these issues in your family, ROGD Repair can help you work smarter, not harder, to get through to your teen. Get access to over 120 lessons like this and more. Use code SUBSTACK to take half off your first month at ROGDrepair.com.
