In this solo episode, I share one of my favorite metaphors for understanding how desistance actually unfolds in practice — because it rarely looks the way most parents hope it will. Many parents carry a fantasy version of desistance in their heads: a tearful moment of confession, an apology, a sudden reversal. That’s almost never what happens. What actually happens is slower, messier, and far less dramatic — but still hopeful, if you know what you’re looking at.
The metaphor I use is the hermit crab. When a hermit crab outgrows its shell, it must find a new one before abandoning the old one. That terrifying moment of exposure between shells is something the crab instinctively avoids. For your trans-identified child, the alter ego identity is that old shell — it provides psychological structure and protection, answers the question “who am I?”, and is doing real work for them even when it’s causing harm. Desistance doesn’t happen until a new shell exists to replace it.
I walk parents through what those building blocks actually look like — moments of femininity, embodiment, taste, competence, nurturance, and authentic connection — and why it’s so important not to connect those signs directly to gender. The way you respond to those building blocks either reinforces them or demolishes them. I also expand the definition of identity-building beyond gender expression to include real-world skills, relationships, experiences, and sources of self-esteem. The goal isn’t just for the old shell to fall away — it’s for your child to become someone who doesn’t need a label to answer the question of who they are.
This episode doubles as a bonus lesson in ROGD Repair. Where it can be found in the course, it also comes with a companion essay based on the transcript, a summary of key points, and reflection questions to help you personalize the material and apply it to your situation. Join today for access to lots more content like this! Enroll today at ROGDRepair.com.
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[00:00:00] Start
[00:01:00] The Fantasy vs. Reality of Desistance
[00:01:45] The Hermit Crab Metaphor Explained
[00:03:00] Recognizing the Building Blocks of Desistance
[00:06:30] Your Role as a Parent During This Phase
[00:09:45] Identity Formation Beyond Gender Expression
ROGD REPAIR Course + Community gives concerned parents instant access to over 120 lessons providing the psychological insights and communication tools you need to get through to your kid. Now featuring 24/7 personalized AI support implementing the tools with RepairBot! Use code SOMETHERAPIST2026 to take 50% off your first month.
PODCOURSES: use code SOMETHERAPIST at LisaMustard.com/PodCourses
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MUSIC: Thanks to Joey Pecoraro for our song, “Half Awake,” used with gratitude & permission.
